another literal reliving of the past in the present

 Published on 7/28/10, 3:30 AM PDT

Originally written Jul 28, 2010 not THURSDAY MARCH 24, 2011 or 8/29/12
this is my 3rd night without sleep, but at least in the other two nights i had an appetite.. i was just nervous..                      I don't really remember what I did the first night.. i think I mostly just stayed in bed trying not to toss and turn.                        the second night I ended up having a six hour long conversation getting caught up with an old buddy listening to him chatter away about his life and views. since I still wasn't going to be able to sleep after I got off the phone with him,  i decided to wake up eagle so he could see the sunrise with me. it was wonderful..
we ate some breakfast, watered some plants, adn then i finally managed to get some sleep, while kiddo worked on the computer doing some learning about phonetics and letters.

But since we woke, and I had lunch, I don't think I have eaten anything. and now I don't know if I will be able to ..i need to.. my brain mind is a little bit delirious I can tell.

I am reliving that last year.. I AM RELIVING THAT TIME when my husband had his second episode of thinking he didn't want me, and I realized I had gone a whole week without eating any real solid food.. i remember those feelings as I rode the bike over to andrew's .. not really knowing where I was going or what i was doing, but knowing to go there to be safe.
i remember those many nights of feeling.. feeling... that feeling..whatever that in limbo feeling was
a year lived with those feelings..
those feelings of sadness of waiting for that man I loved to realize that I existed..
and yet how all those feeling vanished.. they went away that first moment I knew I had conceived and was pregnant with Eagle and I had felt suddenly overwhelmed with joy and peacefulness and love from within me
and oddly enough, even last year when Scott had started going through his third episode of rejection fo me, there weren't really that strong last year back when Scott was being so verbally and emotionally trying.
and even right now.. it is bizarre, because I have this distinct feeling of eagle keeping me safe. this home keeping me safe.
i am safe.. these other negative feelings,  these are just feelings.. they are feelings intense.. they are here for this moment.. this is just one moment out of many..
i am so completely safe..

and even though I am having these feelings I still love myself and accept myself.. I even did some EFT (very helpful stuff btw) on myself.  (if you do not know what EFT is, I highly encourage you learning about it)

part of me wants to relive those old feelings.. to heal them.. to reassure them..
thtat they are just feelings.
but there are other feelings to be had, too.
I am able to know now, and remind myself this sentence "that scott does in fact love you very much. eagle adores and truly loves you.
aita loves you.
even birdy and other close friends love me in their own way. none of them want to see me suffer.
eagle is sticking by my side lovingly.. man i love that kid..
even others love you.. even perhaps, perhaps god love you, too?"

There is definitely always a constant reminder in the faith that was spelled out and handed to me while in Alaska (a time in my life when I learned about having trust and faith in God, Life, Love whatever name you want to give the power behind that connection and beauty that is in everything)  not in a story book way, exactly, though i had many adventures while there..       I remember the row boat in the night and the whales by the side, the expedition to the island to live with the nuns for a few weeks. (a wonderful gift since, as I understand it, that place does not exist anymore), the island.. always safe somehow.. always with food to eat somehow. always blessed somehow.. with this awareness of keepign ones heart open to love..

(((and that brings me back to my current conundrum: how can i help my honey with ease in loving me)))?
and to stop accidentally hurting me when he holes up inside of himself...
-- to finally stop shutting me out when he is down.

but to live all of his life WITH ME.. ?


 2013 update.. several years later.. I am glad I kept faith and worked through those tough times.. something unlocked in my honey's heart after we bought my childhood home from my mother in 2012, as if all of a sudden he finally felt accomplished and proud of himself finally...finally feeling safe inside of himself, and could relax and allow himself to start to use the tools which better allowed himself to work through conflicts. It didn't exactly happen overnight. All though come to think of it.. in a way it did. we've only had a few large upsets since then and ever since the time where I finally left the house for a weekend, it was like something clicked about the importance of communication.. of working with each other. sure, we have minor squabbles, but it's like there is this awareness of how important we all are to each other, and the ease of working through disputes is something of a sort of relief over the last few years. thank you, honey,


4/28/2018 3:18am update.  well, what i came to realize when I looked back over the last 20 years with Scott, was that i noticed a pattern.. every five years or so, he went through a major Dr.Jeckyl/Hyde (as my son and I so fondly like to call them) six month transformation episode with smaller week to day long episodes throughout whenever something was going wrong with his work.  The pattern became so obvious that by 2015 when the next one was about to start and we were all walkign around on eggsshells because the cycle was beginning again, only we didn't quite understand how bad it was at that time (apparently they get EXTRA bad every 10 years or so), but because there was a pattern to it, we, well, I had learned not to take it so personally because once we could figure out what was going wrong at work, and address the issue, and were able to reassure him of our love, everything always got so much better.  ONLY in 2016, after his work had given him an ultimatum and put him on probation for being such a big family man, and then he literally left and shut us out and became completely unreachable in order to try to save his work life but then they still ended up firing him anyways in 2017.. but as patterns went, he still blamed us, no, specifically me, for all his work life problem.  only this time.. a perfect storm hit.. and this time, despite every effort I made, I was not able to save our marriage.  I can honestly say though, I gave it everything I had in me to give.
but in the end, all we could do was let him go and try to buffer kiddo as best we could from the strange Dr. MegaHyde character he had become.

we miss the dr. jeckyl character that was a family man, who loved us and cared for us.  we miss his wanting to heal with us. we miss his wanting to share both the ups and downs of life with us.  we miss his wanting to learn with us how to become better people.  we miss our family unit being importnat to him and mattering to him.  we send out our compassion to him though.  and hope that one day he realizes how much effort we made to try to keep the family together.  we hope one day he appreciates our efforts to try to help him.  we hope one day he accepts us and appreciates us for how much love and celebration and passion we had and have for trying to protect our family unit.  we hope one day he sees the value of having us in his life. and will try to make up for the scars he has left in our lives.  we hope one day he will try to make it up to kiddo by helping us with our dreams. by honoring our lives together.

but maybe there is a way we can help God or Life out by making the best of the situation and using it to help us connect to you out there.  Maybe then some good can out of all this. And together with your monetary help, we will save our home, and together we will transform it into an edible oasis that you can come and visit and take a break from your life and be a part of an some inspirational dream.
It's still a ways off before we will have enough resources to transform it into the oasis vision I have for you and us to use as a safe urban haven to heal and rejuvenate in. but together with your help, my dream for our property will come alive and will happen in the way I envision it for us.

Be a part of it all.   Be a part of our journey each month forward on www.Patreon.com/KeE
or Partelo.com/krineteagle  and/or www.makersupport.com/krineteagle

Help us to raise up 2 million dollars to create this vision we have.  I know it seems like a lot, but I believe it's doable.   WITH YOUR HELP. 

it's a big dream, a big goal, but not an impossible one.