i am here for you

there is a lot that i do not know how to do. but there is a lot I COULD do for you. and if I had been caught early enough there was a lot more I could have done for you.
that's why its so so so so so so so so so SO important, and I cannot emphasize this enough, that if you seem some kid who has even the tinest emblem of potential in ANY field, even if they are not your kid, if you have the ability to help them follow their dreams/passions, you HELP them do so.
so much talent goes wasted bc adults THINK that kids should go to school.
do you understand why schools even exist in the first place?
it's wasn't to help the masses each have a better life necessarily.  it was to be able to make it easier to instill certain ideas and order into people.
having watched my kid and so many others learn all on their own, it makes me realize how important it is that if you see a kid showing a certain talent or interest in a subject, how important it is that you don't force them to keep going to school in a certain way, but rather pull them out EARLY to follow their passions and learn as much as they can in their field of choice WHILE THEY have that passion as early as possible.
the grammer, the math, and even a lot of history that relevant to them, it really does get learned along the way suprisingly enough.
but you know what doesn't get taught along the way which IF you are going to force kids to be subjected to schoool and really desperately needs to be taught to the masses!!!
it's conflict tranformation and also emotional intellegince and how to practice empathy and compassion!
THAT is what needs desperately to be a required classes in EACH grade in school.
so that we can learn better how to be there for each other
and so we can appreciate more the idea that for some of us..thats all about the only skill we really have despite years and years and years and years of education.

i can't go to you.
but i can be here for you.
NO, not in a sexual way. but something even more important more special.  just someone who has the patience and skills to just be able to put my hand on your back when you need someone to just listen.
if only you were willing to pay me for that time and that skill.

www.makersupport.com/krineteagle   patreon.com/Kee      www.krineteagle.com

$1 a month, no, not even $1 a day.. for heavens sake !!!

MOST of my life, starting from when I was less then three years old, I gave away hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and YES, even MORE hours of free massages away.  When I was little it was just this cute little thing that this little kid loved doing for her family, and as I grew older, it was amazing little tool to help the neighbors kids fall asleep (there were FIVE of them, and I'd put EACH of them to sleep with a tiny back massage, it'd take about two hours and then I'd come home and massage my mom's hands or dad's shoulders). In highschool, often I'd volunteer to massage some kids back .. esp after school when we were all waiting around for some extra curricular activity to start.  IF you were laying down, I probably volunteered to massage your silly back.  In college, I found it was a great hit at parties, so throughout the night, I'd plop myself on some edge of a couch and could be found massaging some kids back.    I FINALLY went on a two week hiatus once when I was in my own pain, refusing to massage anyone's back until I could find ONE single person who would massage my own back.  It took me two week to find somebody.

I loved connecting to people this way. I really and truly loved it, I think.  I felt connected. I felt like I was being someone of value. 

For years, the thought of massaging anyone for money was scary because I used to think it was this wonderful gift that God had given me of healing hands to be able to help people out and I was TERRIFIED that if I ever massaged anyone for money that I would lose the gift. 

Eventually one day after I was 21, I realized that I needed money and finally allowed myself to go to school to learn other different modalities.  And there I ruined my arm.  I had paying customers who kept asking me to "finish them off" whom I'd have to firmly tell them I am sorry I don't do that kind of thing.  But my arm got slowly worse and worse.  I went to three different physical therapists who told me I was damaging my arm worse for massaging people and that I should never massage people again. It got so bad at one point, I couldn't even peel a stupid apple.   Then I was in a car accident and I had to heal other parts of me.   After kiddo was born and we moved to Houston, I sold my table and my chair, but I missed being able to connect with people with touch.  So over the next 10 years, I practiced on a few friends who stopped by the house and on my husband with different techniques that WOULDN'T hurt my arm.  

Before my husband left I had learned how to be able to massage him for several hours a night to help his own back unwind since he had injured his back before.

but then his work told him he had to pick between family or work. 

now my ex  he was a workaholic.  I had been with him for 20 years, I knew this about him and had accepted him.  So I was even understanding that his mind had to choose work.

I got that. I understood that.  

I am angry with that. but I got it.  I understood. I felt compassion and empathy for him

as a housewife I devoted my life to being there for my ex, my kid, trying to grow an edible garden, learnign about communication. that's what I knew.  how to be his wife. how to be kiddos mom. 

how to do edible gardening with low water conditions.

after he left... 

we are in twilight zone. 

kiddo and i are trying to learn about sharing our ideas online.  on the world of the internet. sharing our knowledge via facebook, youtube, blogs, so much knowledge locked away in our brains. 

we have only but to get it out. 

but almost faster then the information getting out, the paralysis in my own mind is setting in.  

i do NOT want to have to go back to court to try to get the ex to pay what he agreed to.

i do NOT want to love my home. 

So I created a Patreon page as a way for friends to help us out.  a couple here or there gave us a one time donation of $50  one even gave us a one time donation of $200.  yes, it helped, but it left me even more lonely afterwards.  I would have preffered they ONLY give me stupid little dollar a month ongoing until kiddo and I learned how to find me some paying clients.  or until we figured out how to do this online silliness in such a way that we actually became of value.  And what about all those other friends who couldn't help out.  ONE STUPID LITTLE DOLLAR A MONTH!!!!

nope, they can't afford it.  

HELLS BELLS!!!  I gave way more then that away when we had little to no money to complete strangers on the street, but these folks can't give one stupid little dollar a month to some friend?1!?!??!?

am i resentful, angry.  YES.  

I go on facebook and see that I have 500 friends or whatever.  that I know 500 people.  could you just imagine if these 500 people could give $10 a month for two years while I figured out how to get kiddo and I back on our feet!!!  it'd help us save our home, and help us pay for a class or two to learn more about how to make our projects a success and maybe even get some software that kiddo could use to make better designs or maybe even help me get some medical treatment I need. 

but my public cry for help fell on deaf ears.. i found out later that few if any people even saw the request, but what about those who did but had every excuse in the world of why they too 'couldn't afford to give a donation'.  Maybe they didn't understand, that to me even just ONE LITTLE DOLLAR A MONTH, LET ALONE $10 A MONTH, would be like a million dollar hug to me.
certainly my friendship, my existence was IS worth at least that much in life? 

and all those people I once gave away free massages too?  who what became of them??

my ego hurts.  my body hurts.  my mind hurts.  my spirit hurts. 

Am I nutso?  

because I don't think or talk like other normal people do?

AM I DISEASED (something my ex said I was in front of our kiddo because my mild case of anxiety got a bit worse that last year before he left when he was working so many hours that last year his work had told him to choose between us or them, and we had to walk around on egg shells lest we trigger his temper and both kiddo and I felt so helpless, though not nearly as helpless as we felt the next year when he forced a divorce upon us and put our kiddo and I through a traumatic hell experience which took us all several months to recover from.  (though I am grateful to God that we managed to at least get kiddo his wish of making sure we have full complete custody because of how scared he had become over the last couple of years by his father's strange actions).   

Am I lazy because I am trying to learn work from home and trying to learn how to be of value in a different way then the traditional job which my brain cannot do at the time, because of some other Sensory Processing Issues I have?  And because some days, I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted, that's it's all I can do to make sure kiddo is wellfed, is doing okay and happy, and get a few hours of work done in the garden and/or on the computer trying to get some writing and or connecting done?

Am I SO TOTALLY UNWORTHY OF A FREAKING DOLLAR A DAY OR MONTH?

hell, maybe I SHOULD just go on the street and beg instead of trying to be of value and use to people on the internet??  at least that way, I'd get SOMEONE to give us a freaking dollar!?!

There is a reason why I give homeless people at least a dime or a penny if I have one or at least a hello and a smile or a blessing and occasionally even a hug if I am walking by them and have a moment to spare.  

to let them know their hearts no they matter.

i just want kiddo and I to matter too.  in a positive way to help others and leave a positive impact with what we know and who we are, in such a way that does not trespass our own personal value systems. 

I KNOW that one day we WILL figure it out.  

but in the meantime.. 

it sure would be nice to be able to have that silly little small dollar to look forward each month.  that small gift that meant we mattered to someone besides just ourselves that month. 

IF YOU FIND out that a friend of yours is struggling, and they have provided you a way to help them out .. if they even just have only a paypal, AND you have enough to buy yourself a treat each month, THEN PLEASE, allow yourself, to forgo that treat to make sure you  they matter NOT just with words, but with a continuous gift EACH AND EVERY MONTH!!!  even if its just a freaking little dollar to look forward to.  and get your other friends to help them out too with a pledge for $1/month for at least TWO YEARS.  thats a gift of $24 dollars over a two year lifetime.  that's way better a gift of continuous giving that is so way better then some onetime offer to buy them dinner!!!

frustrated and feeling like I am talking to wind..   only at least the wind comforts and helps provide some strength to lean into and hold me up when I hurt..

Am I talking to some void?

That's how I feel with all those friends I told this too and nothing happened. 

who knows maybe if I send this message out into the universe.  maybe the universe will come back and someone out there will toss a dollar a month into our little fund for two years?

is that possible?  lol, is that possible 3000 times?  what about 5000 or 10,000 times?  what about 1000 times? what about even just 10 times for $10? what about just once?

are YOU one of those people who will make it possible?

WHAT is possible?

that is what I wonder right now.

what , what is possible?

i  wonder. 

I guess you can see yourself what life ends up helping us with.  find out on:

www.patreon.com/KeE      www.Partelo.com/krineteagle       www.makersupport.com/Krineteagle



but hey, if YOU happen to have $1 little dollar to spare a month (that's no more then $12  a year).. and if you could find 10 other people who would help..

$1/month would be like a million dollar hug
$3 would pay for a day of internet usage
$10 would pay for a day of utilities
$20 would pay for two days of utilities
$50 would pay for one day of mortgage/rent (however you want to look at it)
$100 would help pay for one day of being able to stay in our home (mortgage/insurance/utilities/taxes)

this doesn't even include medical/transportation/education/food/misc other fees.
so be a dear.. if you happen to make more then $200 a day, please please, share one little dollar a month please. subscribe to our video channels, and social media sites and or come and get to know us and let us inspire you, and or be here for you.

jun 2016 10 am(4/26/2018, 10:54ampst)

 about me: selfish, neurotic? with two interesting ocd

update: april 2018

its interesting to read what life was like back then.  how different it is now. would you do me a small favor, if you stopped by for a visit into our world by reading these blog posts, would you please take a moment to say a supportive hello in the comments below?   

if you would like to learn more about us now.. goto patreon.com/KeE  or makersupport.com/krineteagle

20yrs later

published 12/14/17  8:53ampst

oct... no wait its december now.
still getting my bearings.
scott left.

his dr. hyde personality took over and he never came back out of it this time... at least not long enough to let us in and heal.
and after he got fired, not at all
i miss him so much.

it was all
awhile ago, i guess.
(odd a memory of woody popped into my head when he lived over near the 7-11... i think it was where i lost my virginity to him)
where the story all began?)

but i was so used to.him, scott, shutting us/me out whenever he had these 5 yr cycles (or whenever he had a work/life crises) and then coming back to me, better and more loyal and devoted and appreviative and kinder and with more communicaton then ever before.

he still might one day
but will it be too late to have a daughter fr my own womb with him then?

i really wanted to ALSO have a daughter by him.
i really wanted that.

10:51am dec 14,2021 no 2017
10:52am
10:53

update: april 2018

its interesting to read what life was like back then.  how different it is now. would you do me a small favor, if you stopped by for a visit into our world by reading these blog posts, would you please take a moment to say a supportive hello in the comments below?   

if you would like to learn more about us now.. goto patreon.com/KeE  or makersupport.com/krineteagle

or if you happen to have a dollar to spare, it would be like sending a virtual hug of support and encouragement to us.

$1/month would be like a million dollar hug
$3 would pay for a day of internet usage
$10 would pay for a day of utilities
$20 would pay for two days of utilities
$50 would pay for one day of mortgage/rent (however you want to look at it)
$100 would help pay for one day of being able to stay in our home (mortgage/insurance/utilities/taxes)

this doesn't even include medical/transportation/education/food/misc other fees.

so be a dear.. if you happen to make more then $200 a day, please please, share one little dollar a month please. subscribe to our video channels, and social media sites and or come and get to know us and let us inspire you, and or be here for you.  www.krineteagle.com

Feb no march 2017

published 3/2/2017 1:13am/pst


32% 3:13 am
Have i forgotten how to be a good person? How do i be a good person?

I used to love myself but after what he said? I don't know if i can

update: april 2018

its interesting to read what life was like back then.  how different it is now. would you do me a small favor, if you stopped by for a visit into our world by reading these blog posts, would you please take a moment to say a supportive hello in the comments below?   

if you would like to learn more about us now.. goto patreon.com/KeE  or makersupport.com/krineteagle

published on 8/26/2015 7:49ampst

I am

update: april 2018

its interesting to read what life was like back then.  how different it is now. would you do me a small favor, if you stopped by for a visit into our world by reading these blog posts, would you please take a moment to say a supportive hello in the comments below?   

if you would like to learn more about us now.. goto patreon.com/KeE  or makersupport.com/krineteagle

Keeping track of my episodes

Yestwrday was fourth of july 2015
Fell asleep on futon around 3 this morning
Woke up around 3:45/3:50 when scott came into room to check on is nd i guess see where we were?
Havent been able to fall bavk asleep.
Yesterday woke up several times but finally up for the day around 4 soemthing. Asked scott what time pool closed. He said 6. i felt up for going and since there was still time I said we could go.
But then when eagle found ot from me that i might not be able to make it to make it to fireworks I panicked and ran back to bedroom and shouted how much i feared people and hated myself for not functioning. How i was scared that the fireworks were more important. Mostly i panicked at the thought of missing swimming again i think.
Scott almost left without us but i got him to understand that i needed him to help show me and role model for me what patience and love looked like so i could give it to myself.  at first he just stood there but when he said 'thats what patience looked like',  i said, "oh, i thought it looked like a hug."

He finally sat down and hugged me and reassured me that it was ok if we didn't go since i was saying over and over to him that  i needed to believe that it was okay if we didn't go. that I was still okay as a person . He reminded me that it was not the most imp thing -- that the most imp thing was us being together, and once he said that, i finally relaxed enough to get ready to go.  I guess I just really to hear him to say that nothing else mattered other then us being together.  (((update 2018: sadly a year later when his work asked him to pick between work or family, he chose his work and then after he made that choice and he got fired half a year later, he then blamed his family for all his problems in life and threw us away putting us threw one miserable divorce in order to start his life over again, even though we begged him to go ahead and explore life as much as he needed away from us, but to allow us to stay married and be connected in email at least, sigh Anyways, back to the 2015 story)

We got there with their help but i wasn't able to stay in water.  I ended up having  to have scott sit with me for last bit while we had eagle go play marco polo with some kids.
It worked out ok bc afterwards we went to playground and played there through three sets of kids groups till after 8:30pm.
I had sent scott home to get himself something to eat & maybe bring us back some sandwiches.  By the time he got back it was getting dark and all kids had gone home. 

But i had rested and felt up for at least going to rice campus to see the fireworks. 

Once there and after the stress of not finding lot close to park -- with us parking over by where old telescope used to be, we raced to get there by 9:30. When i found out it didnt start till 10, I realized i wasn't quite ready to sit down and sincewe had time to get all the way to where the cannons were, that we might as well go in close and see the fireworks up close and personal with the live music. :) 

Focused with our new goal,  we made our way through the crowd to a spot on hill. First spot overlooked the symphony but it was too much for me, so we moved to a nice big empty spot on side of hill facing fireworks but still with view of cannons.  I really liked the spot bc there was enough light there to video the people all around. :)  I so helped the world make sense when I was allowed to video tape it. :)

I suspect Scott was little unnerved by all the people, I think, but kiddo and i actually found it kind of comforting as long as i had the camera to videotape it all. Poor Scott did not have that tool to help him.  Sometimes I wonder though who is more sound sensitive though or which one of us actaully has the sensory processing disorder.  Him or me?

Afterthought : i wish scott kept a journal.
Maybe i should have the family have a journel hour wrtiing their memories, lessons learned from the day, feelings and emotional awarenesses along with an exercise hour.  Make each 30 mins long though so it only takes up a total of one hour.  Call it the mental body health hour. Or something like that. The wellness wellbeing hour? Or something like that.

update: april 2018

its interesting to read what life was like back then.  how different it is now. would you do me a small favor, if you stopped by for a visit into our world by reading these blog posts.   

if you would like to learn more about us now.. goto patreon.com/KeE  or makersupport.com/krineteagle