am i worthy of your help and protection?

what is it that ihave to offer? to give? of myself?
what is it of myself that i can give you from the safety of my little room away from you but connected to you by this internet technology?
from afar?
my words? my voice through our podcasts and or our videos?
will you allow those words and videos to  help you and give you ease and comfort?
would it be enough for you to think my time and energy writing to you is of enouh value to you that you would think me worthy enough to help support?
you pay to.read fiction, you pay to read opinions, you pay to read books, magazines, newspapers, movies, entertainment, information, connections,
but i am not funny nor have any wish to be.
i know how to be a conduit of love and compassion in its purest form but am not comfortable doing this in a wau thay encourages sexuality even though that seems to be what most men seem to believe that is what they want.

am i a wrong that underneath all that what eah person wants most is to feel connected? loved? important?

do you realize that as someone who reads my words, hears my words, subscribes to our family's channels, who lets us connect to you via our art, our podcasts, our blogs, our video channels, you automatically become important to us?
do you realize that each time you spend your money on something or someone, you help.some.part of the world to.function.
are we worthy and do you find us valuable enough for our time and energy to write and create and share our lives with you that you would like to help us also to function?

you let us others into your lives in small bits and pieces . you become a part of their lives back each time you send money in their direction and each time you subscribe and follow along in their world and show your caring and encouragement

you are important to us.
may we be important to you as well?

www.patreon.com/KeE
sign up to follow along our soundcloud music creations and podcats, our utube channels, our art creations, and so much more  www.krineteagle.com

thankyou for your existence and for allowing yourself to be connected to us.

thank you.

originally written 12:22pm dec 31,2018

overwhelming neagtivity of some form? rage?/hatred? despisication

from out of nowhere and unexpectedly, i was awakened 9ut of a reverie with such an overwhelming disturbing dislike for my ex. so strong were my emanations so strong the awareness
of the disdain, disgust, despising of him to my core that no way could i believe these feelings were actually coming from me?  espwcially sincr for the last year i have spent teying to focua on gratitude that he was out of our lives and on compassion for whatever had led him to turn against his family and forget his caring about our feelings ..
occassionally i had felt minor burst of disappoinment and maybe even some resentment and disgruntked anger for his not paying the full child support he had agreed to.  he pays some in order to ease his concious, but not enough to pay keep our home safe..  but accepted it as part of our agreeement that he could pay at his descretion as long as eventually he paid it all sometime...
but today i found myself brought to consciousness by these intense feelings that did not even feel like they were my own but   but that they must be someone elses and i must just be pixking up on then from somewhere seoje someone else.
they felt like they were his emations coming from him in fact. kind of scary if so.
or perhaps he had finally come around to remembering that he actually once upon a time appreciated his family.
no this was not him missing us... it felt like his hatred pure and insane in its essense.. like he emated when he blamed me for his work and life falling apart even though he had already left and shut wveryone out of his life months before.

writing helped to dissapate the feeling a small bit.
but
why would i be picking up on it now?
was it bc he finailly read the email from our lawyer and sent him awhile back asking him to please honor the amount he had agreed to help out?

all i know is that despite wheatwvrr emapathtic feelings of understanding i once had for him snapping when he was feelt overwhelmed by life and depaite how much i missed him so since for rarly 29 years my life had revolved complegely around him, right NOW i have the same prayer my son has had this whole last couple of years, praying we are never required to ever see him again. 

this whole time i was always filled with compassion while my son carried all that hatred and anger and rage at his fathers refusal to honor or respect us or my sons opinions or feelings about life.

am i picking up on my sons feelings finally? no, bc whenever my son remebers my ex i have been there to soothe and reaasure him pleading with his heart to connwct to his inner strength core of being and inside that find compassion

no this had to becomeing from somewhere out there somewhere.

please world, please world, please help protect us from that man.
please send a monthly donation to my son at least until he is 18 to help protect him/us from ever needing to encounter or deal with or interact with that kind of focused negativety from him or another human ever again. please help me keep my son fininacially safe from his father so thay he never has to fear his father ever again.

please send the monthly safegaurding donation to https:www.patreon.com/KeE
or www.krineteagle.com at least until my son is an adult and he can finally feel completely 100% safe from him.

please.

i am here for you

there is a lot that i do not know how to do. but there is a lot I COULD do for you. and if I had been caught early enough there was a lot more I could have done for you.
that's why its so so so so so so so so so SO important, and I cannot emphasize this enough, that if you seem some kid who has even the tinest emblem of potential in ANY field, even if they are not your kid, if you have the ability to help them follow their dreams/passions, you HELP them do so.
so much talent goes wasted bc adults THINK that kids should go to school.
do you understand why schools even exist in the first place?
it's wasn't to help the masses each have a better life necessarily.  it was to be able to make it easier to instill certain ideas and order into people.
having watched my kid and so many others learn all on their own, it makes me realize how important it is that if you see a kid showing a certain talent or interest in a subject, how important it is that you don't force them to keep going to school in a certain way, but rather pull them out EARLY to follow their passions and learn as much as they can in their field of choice WHILE THEY have that passion as early as possible.
the grammer, the math, and even a lot of history that relevant to them, it really does get learned along the way suprisingly enough.
but you know what doesn't get taught along the way which IF you are going to force kids to be subjected to schoool and really desperately needs to be taught to the masses!!!
it's conflict tranformation and also emotional intellegince and how to practice empathy and compassion!
THAT is what needs desperately to be a required classes in EACH grade in school.
so that we can learn better how to be there for each other
and so we can appreciate more the idea that for some of us..thats all about the only skill we really have despite years and years and years and years of education.

i can't go to you.
but i can be here for you.
NO, not in a sexual way. but something even more important more special.  just someone who has the patience and skills to just be able to put my hand on your back when you need someone to just listen.
if only you were willing to pay me for that time and that skill.

www.makersupport.com/krineteagle   patreon.com/Kee      www.krineteagle.com

$1 a month, no, not even $1 a day.. for heavens sake !!!

MOST of my life, starting from when I was less then three years old, I gave away hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and YES, even MORE hours of free massages away.  When I was little it was just this cute little thing that this little kid loved doing for her family, and as I grew older, it was amazing little tool to help the neighbors kids fall asleep (there were FIVE of them, and I'd put EACH of them to sleep with a tiny back massage, it'd take about two hours and then I'd come home and massage my mom's hands or dad's shoulders). In highschool, often I'd volunteer to massage some kids back .. esp after school when we were all waiting around for some extra curricular activity to start.  IF you were laying down, I probably volunteered to massage your silly back.  In college, I found it was a great hit at parties, so throughout the night, I'd plop myself on some edge of a couch and could be found massaging some kids back.    I FINALLY went on a two week hiatus once when I was in my own pain, refusing to massage anyone's back until I could find ONE single person who would massage my own back.  It took me two week to find somebody.

I loved connecting to people this way. I really and truly loved it, I think.  I felt connected. I felt like I was being someone of value. 

For years, the thought of massaging anyone for money was scary because I used to think it was this wonderful gift that God had given me of healing hands to be able to help people out and I was TERRIFIED that if I ever massaged anyone for money that I would lose the gift. 

Eventually one day after I was 21, I realized that I needed money and finally allowed myself to go to school to learn other different modalities.  And there I ruined my arm.  I had paying customers who kept asking me to "finish them off" whom I'd have to firmly tell them I am sorry I don't do that kind of thing.  But my arm got slowly worse and worse.  I went to three different physical therapists who told me I was damaging my arm worse for massaging people and that I should never massage people again. It got so bad at one point, I couldn't even peel a stupid apple.   Then I was in a car accident and I had to heal other parts of me.   After kiddo was born and we moved to Houston, I sold my table and my chair, but I missed being able to connect with people with touch.  So over the next 10 years, I practiced on a few friends who stopped by the house and on my husband with different techniques that WOULDN'T hurt my arm.  

Before my husband left I had learned how to be able to massage him for several hours a night to help his own back unwind since he had injured his back before.

but then his work told him he had to pick between family or work. 

now my ex  he was a workaholic.  I had been with him for 20 years, I knew this about him and had accepted him.  So I was even understanding that his mind had to choose work.

I got that. I understood that.  

I am angry with that. but I got it.  I understood. I felt compassion and empathy for him

as a housewife I devoted my life to being there for my ex, my kid, trying to grow an edible garden, learnign about communication. that's what I knew.  how to be his wife. how to be kiddos mom. 

how to do edible gardening with low water conditions.

after he left... 

we are in twilight zone. 

kiddo and i are trying to learn about sharing our ideas online.  on the world of the internet. sharing our knowledge via facebook, youtube, blogs, so much knowledge locked away in our brains. 

we have only but to get it out. 

but almost faster then the information getting out, the paralysis in my own mind is setting in.  

i do NOT want to have to go back to court to try to get the ex to pay what he agreed to.

i do NOT want to love my home. 

So I created a Patreon page as a way for friends to help us out.  a couple here or there gave us a one time donation of $50  one even gave us a one time donation of $200.  yes, it helped, but it left me even more lonely afterwards.  I would have preffered they ONLY give me stupid little dollar a month ongoing until kiddo and I learned how to find me some paying clients.  or until we figured out how to do this online silliness in such a way that we actually became of value.  And what about all those other friends who couldn't help out.  ONE STUPID LITTLE DOLLAR A MONTH!!!!

nope, they can't afford it.  

HELLS BELLS!!!  I gave way more then that away when we had little to no money to complete strangers on the street, but these folks can't give one stupid little dollar a month to some friend?1!?!??!?

am i resentful, angry.  YES.  

I go on facebook and see that I have 500 friends or whatever.  that I know 500 people.  could you just imagine if these 500 people could give $10 a month for two years while I figured out how to get kiddo and I back on our feet!!!  it'd help us save our home, and help us pay for a class or two to learn more about how to make our projects a success and maybe even get some software that kiddo could use to make better designs or maybe even help me get some medical treatment I need. 

but my public cry for help fell on deaf ears.. i found out later that few if any people even saw the request, but what about those who did but had every excuse in the world of why they too 'couldn't afford to give a donation'.  Maybe they didn't understand, that to me even just ONE LITTLE DOLLAR A MONTH, LET ALONE $10 A MONTH, would be like a million dollar hug to me.
certainly my friendship, my existence was IS worth at least that much in life? 

and all those people I once gave away free massages too?  who what became of them??

my ego hurts.  my body hurts.  my mind hurts.  my spirit hurts. 

Am I nutso?  

because I don't think or talk like other normal people do?

AM I DISEASED (something my ex said I was in front of our kiddo because my mild case of anxiety got a bit worse that last year before he left when he was working so many hours that last year his work had told him to choose between us or them, and we had to walk around on egg shells lest we trigger his temper and both kiddo and I felt so helpless, though not nearly as helpless as we felt the next year when he forced a divorce upon us and put our kiddo and I through a traumatic hell experience which took us all several months to recover from.  (though I am grateful to God that we managed to at least get kiddo his wish of making sure we have full complete custody because of how scared he had become over the last couple of years by his father's strange actions).   

Am I lazy because I am trying to learn work from home and trying to learn how to be of value in a different way then the traditional job which my brain cannot do at the time, because of some other Sensory Processing Issues I have?  And because some days, I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted, that's it's all I can do to make sure kiddo is wellfed, is doing okay and happy, and get a few hours of work done in the garden and/or on the computer trying to get some writing and or connecting done?

Am I SO TOTALLY UNWORTHY OF A FREAKING DOLLAR A DAY OR MONTH?

hell, maybe I SHOULD just go on the street and beg instead of trying to be of value and use to people on the internet??  at least that way, I'd get SOMEONE to give us a freaking dollar!?!

There is a reason why I give homeless people at least a dime or a penny if I have one or at least a hello and a smile or a blessing and occasionally even a hug if I am walking by them and have a moment to spare.  

to let them know their hearts no they matter.

i just want kiddo and I to matter too.  in a positive way to help others and leave a positive impact with what we know and who we are, in such a way that does not trespass our own personal value systems. 

I KNOW that one day we WILL figure it out.  

but in the meantime.. 

it sure would be nice to be able to have that silly little small dollar to look forward each month.  that small gift that meant we mattered to someone besides just ourselves that month. 

IF YOU FIND out that a friend of yours is struggling, and they have provided you a way to help them out .. if they even just have only a paypal, AND you have enough to buy yourself a treat each month, THEN PLEASE, allow yourself, to forgo that treat to make sure you  they matter NOT just with words, but with a continuous gift EACH AND EVERY MONTH!!!  even if its just a freaking little dollar to look forward to.  and get your other friends to help them out too with a pledge for $1/month for at least TWO YEARS.  thats a gift of $24 dollars over a two year lifetime.  that's way better a gift of continuous giving that is so way better then some onetime offer to buy them dinner!!!

frustrated and feeling like I am talking to wind..   only at least the wind comforts and helps provide some strength to lean into and hold me up when I hurt..

Am I talking to some void?

That's how I feel with all those friends I told this too and nothing happened. 

who knows maybe if I send this message out into the universe.  maybe the universe will come back and someone out there will toss a dollar a month into our little fund for two years?

is that possible?  lol, is that possible 3000 times?  what about 5000 or 10,000 times?  what about 1000 times? what about even just 10 times for $10? what about just once?

are YOU one of those people who will make it possible?

WHAT is possible?

that is what I wonder right now.

what , what is possible?

i  wonder. 

I guess you can see yourself what life ends up helping us with.  find out on:

www.patreon.com/KeE      www.Partelo.com/krineteagle       www.makersupport.com/Krineteagle



but hey, if YOU happen to have $1 little dollar to spare a month (that's no more then $12  a year).. and if you could find 10 other people who would help..

$1/month would be like a million dollar hug
$3 would pay for a day of internet usage
$10 would pay for a day of utilities
$20 would pay for two days of utilities
$50 would pay for one day of mortgage/rent (however you want to look at it)
$100 would help pay for one day of being able to stay in our home (mortgage/insurance/utilities/taxes)

this doesn't even include medical/transportation/education/food/misc other fees.
so be a dear.. if you happen to make more then $200 a day, please please, share one little dollar a month please. subscribe to our video channels, and social media sites and or come and get to know us and let us inspire you, and or be here for you.

jun 2016 10 am(4/26/2018, 10:54ampst)

 about me: selfish, neurotic? with two interesting ocd

update: april 2018

its interesting to read what life was like back then.  how different it is now. would you do me a small favor, if you stopped by for a visit into our world by reading these blog posts, would you please take a moment to say a supportive hello in the comments below?   

if you would like to learn more about us now.. goto patreon.com/KeE  or makersupport.com/krineteagle